March 14, 2009

Don’t wish; don’t start

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:48 am by rosecarnival

Wishing only wounds the heart.

Today was the last day of school before intersession. Days like today are not supposed to go wrong. For me, they couldn’t go wrong. New english class, seat behind Cesar, nothing could go wrong at all.

Oh but it did. What played out was like a nightmare from every high school show on the earth.

I am walking to English w/ Alejandro and Cesar, feeling wonderful. It would be a great end to a good quarter. Then this girl walks toward us and throws her arms around Cesar.

My heart sunk. Oh god no.

She said she wants to marry him. She said that she read Lord of the Flies and made another comment. He gives her that smile, that “only-for-you” smile. She’s obviously older. She’s smart. She’s way way prettier.

Calls me sweetie. Tells me I look like a princess.  I am in shock.

We leave. Cesar is smiling. I say nothing.

I want to cry.

I can’t think. I want to cry. School is done. I saw good-bye and walk away with Alejandro. I implore him to tell me what that girl is to Cesar. He said he didn’t know. He asks me why I care so much. I tell him look here on this blog and FIND OUT WHY.

Swimming helps. I still feel bad. I just want to see Cesar. Talk to him.

Now I know that he thinks of me as a friend and nothing more.

Once again, I suppose, I am not that girl.

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