May 6, 2009

I Won’t Feel Sorry For Me

Posted in In the Life of a Lolita at 8:28 am by rosecarnival

I saw Cesar with that girl again last week. It’s really pointless to deny that he likes her. It’s obvious. I am upset. I am pissed, I am sad, disappointed and angry. But I will not let it show. I will put on a smile and act my best. I will not let him know I am upset. I will put on the lolita’s facade and pretend nothing is wrong.

Maybe it was good that I found out. Now I am no longer deluding myself. No longer I think that every half-smile in my direction is an affectionate gesture on his part. I have become enlightened, if you will. Doesn’t mean I’m not upset about it. I have now learnt my place as a friend and nothing more.

I wish I was on a beach in Hawaii, at a resort. I want to spead my days in lolita summerdresses walking around the beaches, not a care in the world. Then, maybe I wouldn’t care who Cesar likes.

I wish I was in Japan, shopping for sweet lolita, taking pictures, admiring other lolitas and talking with them. Maybe then I wouldn’t care who Cesar chose.

But I’m not in either of those places. I am at home in an overcrowded school where I don’t wear lolita. I can’t go to the beach. I can’t relax.

So now, I try not to care, I say “it’s cool, it’s cool” but in reality, I care more then he will ever know.

I wonder if he knows that I am upset about this girl. But I don’t bet on it. Because when you are smiling at the object of your affection, you don’t notice the hurt on the girl behind you’s face.

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